But I knew.

But I knew.

Practicing invisibility requires a certain kind of damage and assessment of the identities I carry of myself in that unexpected way during the vacation of perpetuation. In particular, the silence carries a certain weight of seventeen moons and thirty sunrises. It’s natural to move through doors and rooms and to look for certain capacities within the broken doorknobs, hoping that the one broken piece doesn’t drop down further into the oblivion, making the locked room much more of a permanent reality. And even as she asked me about my situation, I knew that there was neither a financial capability or even a personal difference that would help the actions of my past make any actual repercussion for my potential future. The histories of outsiders will reconvene on my porch in amazement that I’ve managed to last this long on so little. But I realize that even the silent ones in the back teach me something about what I should be striving to be. Her enthusiasm about a scientific discrepancy and the other’s inquisitive meandering through what she feels like is a bother to other people. Go ahead and ask the questions. Appreciate the pieces of myself that others might think of as less than ideal. Hope is relative, and power will continue to evolve as we figure out more about what we can accomplish as a class. Do I really need to keep summarizing this for you? For myself? What is it about the idea that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around? And then people argue that we don’t live in a perfect world and that we have to shield ourselves from the dangers that are surely lurking at every turn every moment of every day. What kind of a life is that? We can’t always just be scared of what we think might be coming versus giving ourselves the room to live within our own skin in comfort? I spent hours last night just writing in pencil while sitting next to strangers who were also creating art, and that collective creation helps fill Tuesday evenings with some nourishment that I can’t seem to find in any other venues. Measuring distance is a great waste, though, and any intuitive assessment surely feels useless on those days when the reliance of expectations really combines with other forces to make page numbers useless. In order to rekindle genuine possibilities, we have to sit in silence with each other and just respect and appreciate the differences and the amazingness of our individual humanity. We can’t keep damaging each other on a daily basis and expect that the world will go anywhere good. Let’s fire up the future and combat the superiority complex that chronicles so much of our description of self. Why do we care so much about what others think? Because that’s what we’ve been trained to do. And as the constructs of our culture have been formed so that certain groups can easily recognize other members of that same group, then we’ll just continue to segment our recognizable attributes in such a way that will keep those designations in place. Fight the overwhelm and take a step back from the problem that hums around your soul right now. Just believe that most of it is because of someone else and lift off the shame and blame and reword the knowledge that sings quietly way down inside you. In reality, there is often little consequence to letting out the beautiful parts of yourself. Most people will appreciate and marvel at the vulnerability, and anyone who doesn’t seem to understand the abstractions in your mind might just have to be left behind as you travel forward in your own belief that what you are doing is the best selection for creating your own universe. Take the power of your own potential and make it more eternal and throw in some luck until you feel a distant freedom that will garner some reciprocation of direction toward the next right thing. You will see them today and every day if you can keep your heart open to the possibility of everything working out all right. This planning for the eventual cruelty just makes us all so anxious. We drink the coffee and pretend to like the bitterness, and we starve for the water of the earth because the chemicals keep us safer than what we would be in the wild. We’re progressing away from the purity of understanding and guiding our happiness toward the early warning signs of false empowerment and shortsighted survival. We will neither be consistent or hopeful if we do not mourn the deaths of those who learned the hardest lessons before us. We must reject the corruptions and demand something more sustainable and delicious. Our expressions should be of joy, not of suffering. But when we do suffer, we should be able to do so openly, knowing that someone will accept us with those broken pieces and not immediately try to fix us with quick diet tips or more prescriptions. Just sit with me, and let’s diligently work on our individual projects together. That unison will help us find more acceptance and empathy so that we will not discount the poetry that makes up every moment. The complexity in particular should not diminish in the shadow of comforts we cannot afford. Today, I have to tell myself that it’s perfectly okay to not understand the full scope of my paperwork and assets as I am just taking individual steps toward the representations of what I think tomorrow holds.